The 3-year old who pinches her baby brother, the 4-year old who shouts "Take him back, Mother. I don't want him," are not fictional characters invented by people who write about children. They are real youngsters, to be found in almost any neighborhood where there are young families. They are small fry who consider themselves displaced persons and don't like the feeling.

How babies change family ways and feelings

So much attention has been paid to the problems of these children, we sometimes overlook the fact that everyone in a family is affected by the arrival of a new baby. Family ties are deep and strong. We depend on them for our basic security. We love and are loved by other family members. We get used to certain family relationships and routines. Along comes a baby, and the whole setup changes, both physically and emotionally. Someone may have to share his room. Two people who have spent a great deal of time together may now have to give up some highly prized hours of companionship.

These usually turn out to be adjustments, not real sacrifices. The baby is finally settled in, feelings are sorted out and the family continues on its way. While these adjustments are taking place, there are steps that can be taken to make things easier for everybody.

Family members of different ages react differently to family changes. This is because these changes have different meanings for the old and the young.

Grandparents, for instance, are often more fearful and set in their ways than we realize. They have fewer pleasures than when they were young, fewer activities, less to look forward to. They may hope to meet some of their emotional needs by devoting themselves to the baby. The many who live with married sons or daughters may worry for fear the baby will upset their living arrangements. When these older family members have a chance to help make the family decisions that affect them, they are much happier and their suggestions are often extremely good.

A father may be proudly looking forward to parenthood, but dislike the inconveniences caused by his wife's pregnancy. He may think that babies are lovable in principle, but not so nice when they cry in the night, soil their diapers, and tie their parents to the house in the evenings for weeks on end. If he is like most expectant fathers, he will feel differently when he gets to know his baby. Meanwhile, it helps if he knows that his family understands.

Brothers and sisters

Most older brothers and sisters take new babies in their families in stride. They appreciate it when parents share the news with them before outsiders know it. They usually join eagerly in family discussions about what has to be done to get ready for a baby. If you have adolescents in your family, you know how important it is to think with them, not for them. It may take time for a high school freshman to get used to the idea of doubling up with a 6-year old. Once he feels that he has a real part in the planning, he will usually go with you all the way, as long as what you ask of him seems reasonable to him.

With younger children of school age the situation is different. They are apt to be intrigued with the idea of having a new brother or sister. They are close enough to babyhood to appreciate a baby's need for gentle care. The older ones have exciting interests of their own to which a baby as yet offers no competition. The 6 to 12's may have their jealousies and resentments, but a little extra attention from mother or father usually brings back the feeling of being loved and wanted.

The 3- to 5-year-olds have their own special needs. They are "big-little" children and it is easy to treat them as if they were more grownup than they actually are. They may begin to notice that their mothers and fathers spend less time with them now than they used to, and ask them to do more for themselves. When the baby actually comes into the family, they may feel still more lost. Parents who understand these feelings, can find many ways of convincing these older preschool children that they are permanently and deeply loved.

Your toddler is the person in your family most apt to feel really displaced. He is still a baby himself. He is used to being in close contact with you most of the day. You help him to get dressed, you help him with his meals and with his play. Now when he wants you, you are often too busy to stop to listen, tell a story, play a game or wipe away a tear. It may be that these 1 1/2 and 2-year-olds are more in need of reassurance during a pregnancy than any other children. The jealousy they sometimes feel is a very natural human reaction. However, these feelings can usually be overcome by parents who know how to be comforting.

Introducing the baby to his family

There is no one best way of introducing a baby into his family. Experience has shown, however, that some ways of preparing the family for his coming seem to have better results, in the long run, than others. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Make it clear that this baby will belong to his whole family, not exclusively to any one person in it, even his mother. Think and speak of him as "ours," rather than as "mine" or "yours."

2. Tell the grandparents that he is coming as soon as you and your husband are ready to share this information. Let them know that you realize how much this means to them, that you appreciate their concern, and will count upon their help when you need it. If you feel that you need to protect yourself against "interference," you can do it better this way than by setting up barriers to begin with.

3. Take your teenagers into your confidence almost at once. They can be a tremendous help if you give them responsibility.

4. Tell your school-age youngsters at about the time your pregnancy begins to show. It is probably better to wait until later to talk with your preschool children. A long period of suspense is not good for 4- and 5-year-olds, who are not too clear about what it all means, anyway. You may decide not to tell the very little ones until it is almost time for you to go to the hospital.

5. Plan with the family as much as you can. We all cooperate better if we know what is happening to us and have something to say about what is being done.

6. Be ready to let the children help with the preparations, in some way, as soon as you tell them. Later the baby will seem less of a competitor if you give them the feeling, from the beginning that getting ready for him is a family project. Where will he sleep? What will he wear? Where will we keep his clothes and things? Everyone, except the ones who are too young to know what is going on, will have ideas about these questions and some of these ideas will be very good.

When people treat important family events as matters of common concern, an atmosphere of mutual confidence and respect grows up in a home. It is by living in such an atmosphere that we get our individual security as family members. Knowing that we are loved and trusted by those who are dearest to us, we can usually overcome, without too much trouble, the feelings of discouragement that everyone has now and then.

Reassuring the young child

If you have a young child, here are some specific things you can do to help him look forward with pleasure to the coming of the baby:

1. Wait, if you can, to tell him the news until you have a sign from him.

The 2 to 3's will probably notice your change in shape. Sometimes you may catch a puzzled look, sometimes a small hand will pat your enlarging abdomen.

Most 4 to 5's are already beginning to wonder where babies come from. Yours may be asking questions now.

If your child does not seem to be noticing anything different about you, and is not asking questions, you will soon want to look for a way of bringing the matter up. Having a new baby in the family gives parents many natural opportunities to give simple, factual information to their children that will be a good foundation for more advanced explanations later on.

2. Don't try to tell your child more than he wants to know. What you say will depend on his age, his questions and your feelings about his sex education.

3. Be casual when you talk with him about the baby. He will only be upset if you make the whole thing seem mysterious.

4. Make any necessary physical changes in your home setup before you go to the hospital, so that these will not be too closely connected with the new baby when he comes home.

If a child under 3 is to be moved from his crib to a junior bed, or to another room, try to move him two or three months in advance. Without making too much of it, help him to be pleased with the change.

You can seldom get a toddler's cooperation by telling him how grownup he is with a bed or a room of his own. Because he is still in many ways a baby, he often needs to be treated like one. But he still can be helped to feel that there are privileges and rewards that come with being older. It doesn't help to keep telling him that you love him, unless you show him that you do.

5. Prepare him for your absence by telling him that you will be going away but that you will be home again in a few days.

6. If the person who is going to look after the family during your absence is a stranger to your children, have her come a few days before you leave for the hospital. If this is not possible perhaps she can visit for a few hours at your home. It is important for the children to know and like her.

A father is a particularly important person at this time. He may want to consider arranging his work so that he can take a few days vacation at home while you are in the hospital. Small children, especially, need the reassurance of his presence and attention.

7. Keep up some sort of contact with the children while you are in the hospital. Your stay will be short but may seem long to a young child who is used to having his mother around all the time. No hospitals allow young children to visit on their maternity floors, but perhaps you can talk with yours once or twice on the telephone or send home a note just for them. Not too often. One call or one letter may be enough to give the reassurance that is needed; too many might undermine confidence in the person who is taking care of the family.

8. Pay careful attention to the next oldest child when you bring the baby home. It may be a good idea to have your husband carry the new baby into the house, so that your arms will be free for your toddler.

Be prepared for the fact that your 2-year-old may ignore you, at first, or seem fussy and restless. The feeling of strangeness he has now will disappear shortly, if he is naturally a happy child. His feelings of jealousy will not last long, or may not show until later, when the baby really gets in his way.

It is usually a mistake to punish a child for expressing his ugly feelings. They are better out than in. If he acts them out by hitting or shouting or throwing things, these actions, of course, have to be curbed. Seemingly, the best way to help a child who is really jealous of a new baby is to give him many happy experiences with the rest of his family. This is how most children build back a sense of inner security if theirs has been disturbed.

If you have someone to help you, it may be a good idea for you to let her assist you with the baby, so that you may have more time for your toddler. Be sure that his playthings, his playspace, and his sleeping arrangements are not suddenly disturbed. Give him time, play with him, rock him a little before he goes to sleep.

9. It will not help to act as if the baby were not there. Even a 2-year-old knows that there is something very important to you in that crib. It is better to try to help him accept the new baby in small doses from the start.

You will, of course, be cautious about these contacts for a while. Little children do not know how to play with babies until they have learned what they may and may not do with them. Without really knowing what he is doing, a small child can hurt a baby.

One has to be gentle and patient with this kind of teaching. "Let me show you how to hold him," not "Don't you touch him! Leave him alone!"

In spite of all that has been written and said about bringing new babies into families, the fact remains that babies and their families always have to find each other in their own ways. It is true, however, that families and babies thrive best when the coming of a baby is really a family affair.

Marcus Siegel

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