If your child is lying, try to keep the following in mind:

Look behind the lie, a child usually lies to cover up for something. Think of a child lie as a signal that something else is going on behind the lie. Lying is akin to a flashing red light at a railroad crossing. The red light means that a train is coming. Similarly, a lie is a signal. Pay attention to the signal, but bear in mind that what you are really on the look out for is the train. A lie is a sign that there is something that is coming further down the track.

Talk to your child. But before you do, start out by first asking yourself a few questions. Is your child attempting to define new directions for himself, and does he fear that you will criticize him if he tells you the truth? Is he having large problems in his peer relationships? Is our child afraid of harsh punishment from you? Is it possible you need to re-negotiate some of the family rules?

Try to find out what your child is really thinking. But remember, exploring is not the same thing as talking at your child. Do not lecture! Do not set up a heavy confrontation to your child, ands try to read between the lines.

Do not be punitive. Punishment is the surest way to encourage your child to lie every time. If you are critical and judging, he will tell you very little. You want to win your child’s trust, and you cannot do this with criticism and punishment.

Examine your own values. Adolescence is a time of experimentation, a time for a child to discover his strength and weaknesses, and to explore new directions? Are you too rigid? Are you forcing your child to lie to protect you from being hurt? Is your child afraid to share his experiences with you? If so, perhaps you should negotiate new rules that you both can live with.

Child lying is not a "federal case". The lie is simply an indication that the child has not found a way of coping successfully in some particular area of his life. It is your job as caring parents not to treat a child lie as a "federal case," but instead to help your children realize that there is a better way.

If you can convince your child that you are more interested in helping him to resolve the underlying problems behind the lie, then chances are that your child will open up, and you will help your youngster to appreciate one of the most valuable moral lessons that he will ever learn – that life works better when you are able to tell the truth.

Stan Tian

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