Did you just find out that your partner had an affair? Surely, you must have felt numb, shocked, angry and hurt. The question is what next? Will the affair end your marriage or will you both try and move on? Of course, if your spouse is emotionally involved with the other person and does not wish to continue with your marriage, the only solution is to let go. But, if there was no emotional intimacy involved and if your partner feels regretful, you can give your marriage another chance. After all, marriages are meant to be forever.

It is not easy to deal with the emotions surrounding a relationship. The first thing you ought to do is to vent your frustrations and deal with your emotions. Once you acknowledge your feelings, it becomes easier to deal with them. Ask yourself several questions - what could have prompted the affair and what was lacking in your relationship. However, do not torture yourself by dwelling on what could have transpired between your spouse and the other person. It will only add to your hurt. Whatever happened has happened. You have to accept reality and move on.

Don’t let your partner’s affair rule your life. It may seem like the end of the world but it is not. Don’t let your feeling affect your work, attitude towards your kids and friends and other aspects of your life. Take some time off work and sort out your thoughts. Return to work when you feel emotionally ready. If you have children, don’t let the affair hurt them and affect the relationship they share with your spouse. As much as possible, keep the details of the affair from your children.

Try and communicate with your partner. You may feel that since you are the one who has been betrayed, you have every right to rant and rave at your partner. But remember that your partner is going through a difficult time too. He or she has to deal with guilt and shame. It is not fair to keep on harping about the affair once your partner has confessed and asked forgiveness. Talking with each other requires that you both be patient and understanding. Initially, there will be emotional outbursts but with repeated attempts, you should be able to talk things out without going for each other’s throats.

Rebuilding trust is a tough task and it takes time. Let the past stay behind and resolve to move on ahead with your partner. Spend time doing things together and talking. Try and spark romance in your life by going for a candlelight dinner or watching the stars. It will be difficult to blindly trust your partner again but you need to face it. It is not practical to employ someone to spy on your partner while you are away. If you want the relationship to work, there is no other alternative but to give them a second chance.

Your partner’s affair may have wrecked havoc with your ego and self esteem. Take time to pamper yourself. Buy a couple of good outfits or spend time at the salon or gym. Looking good makes you feel good too.

Once you have resolved to have another go at your relationship, there is nothing to stop you from becoming closer and more deeply in love than before, in spite of the affair. So put the past behind you and move forward with renewed trust and commitment.

Jonathan Pitts

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