If your baby is six months older or more, you may have noticed that he gets upset when you are not around. For example, he may cry and fuss when you leave him at day care or with his grandparents. This is called separation anxiety.

Separation anxiety begins when babies develop a skill called object permanence. You have been around caring and nurturing your baby from the moment he was born so, no doubt, you are a permanent figure in his life and mind. By around six months of age, babies are able to recall a mental image of any object or person they seek. Replacing that object or individual with another will simply not work because baby can now realize the difference. He wants you and only you. Not even grandparents, aunts, uncles or other familiar faces can help calm your child. Some babies experience separation anxiety at night when they sleep away from their parents in another room.

Now that you know what your baby is going through how can you help him?

If you are a full time parent, the best solution would be to minimize separations and allow your child to outgrow this phase by himself. As your child becomes familiar with the world, surroundings and people around him, he will become more confident and his anxieties will cease. He will begin to understand that you will always be there for him and that you will return even if you have to go away for a while.

If you have to go for work or need to stay away for a while, the best thing to do would be to allow your child to bond with his caregiver while you are present. The three of you can spend time playing games or going places. In this way, your child will become familiar with his new caregiver. If you have the support of a strong family network, you can leave your child with your grandparents or uncles or aunts so that he has the comfort of familiar faces. In both cases your child is likely to cry and fuss when you leave but the comfort of familiarity will help him adjust sooner.

When you are at home with your baby, try and play games like peek-a-boo. These games reinforce the idea that you will be back even if you are gone for a while. You can also help your baby adjust to the idea of separation by small practice sessions. For instance, you can leave him in an adjacent room for 5 minutes and then pop back in when he starts crying. Soon your baby will learn that when you say "bye-bye", it means that you will be gone for while but you will be back with a "hello" soon. Gradually increase the time that you are separated but don’t leave your baby alone. You can leave your child with a sitter or relative as you go for a walk or run to the grocery store.

Another good idea is to let your baby take transitional objects like teddy bears or a picture of yourself as he goes to day care.

When you leave your child make it a point to tell him good bye and keep it short and simple. Your baby is likely to become upset when he sees that you are upset. Don’t skip the goodbye part though. Saying goodbye is important because your baby is bound to become more upset and anxious if you simply vanish into thin air.

As far as night time separation anxiety is concerned, give your child some extra attention and spend time tucking him in and reading to him so that he sleeps with a sense of security that you are around.

Separation anxiety is not a disorder. Nor is the result of anything you have done. It is not also that your being loving to your child has spoilt him and made him fussy. This is just a part of growing up and your baby will outgrow it just like he did on those sleepless nights and colicky screams.

Jason Ladock

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