Today's society is a lot more accepting of different kinds of marriage and relationship than the society of, say, thirty years ago. Traditionally we date a few people, have a couple of serious relationships and then settle down with one person that we really love. For some people and for many different reasons, it works out best to be married to that one special person, yet still have sexual relationships with others. A practice otherwise known as 'polyamory'.

We're not talking about having affairs here, because affairs happen when the other partner in the marriage is unaware and doesn't consent to what's happening. An open marriage is made of of two consenting adults, who let each other have sexual relationships with other men and women. In rare cases they will allow each other to develop loving feelings towards other people, but generally it is kept strictly to sex.

If you're considering having an open marriage, or even just giving it a try, then there are a lot of serious questions to ask both yourself and your partner. The foundation for a poly amorous relationship has to be that both of you agree to it at all times. You should talk about calling the idea off and going back to monogamy if either of you, at any time, experience insecurity or worries. At the same time, realise that you are also prone to peaks and dips in your own self confidence and simply because you feel low and 'unloved' one evening, that doesn't mean your partner doesn't still love you to death and it won't have all gone back to normal in the morning.

Many people in open marriages maintain that it's unnatural to constrain loving feelings. In the same way, sexual desire is a tool that's evolved within us in order to create healthy offspring, not to be limited to one person. If you agree then discuss with your partner how you want to make this work, but be prepared to listen to every one of their concerns. Remember that they love you and to them this might mean that there is no-one in the world that could possibly compare to you. If they do feel this then never, ever forget it, as this is where insecurities lie and can grow. Do you argue a lot? If so, take a close look at why. If the problem lies in how much attention you give each other, how much time your spend together or jealousies then perhaps it would be better to sort those out before you start to date other people.

While open marriages are mainly about not having any rules within a relationship, there are rules you must define before you start. Will you tell each other when you go on a date with someone else, or will it be a secret? Will it be okay for your partner to date people of the same sex? And so on. Always remember that no two couples are the same and simply because people have warned you against open marriage, that doesn't mean in won't work for you.

Stan Tian

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