While it’s unlikely that you’ll be attacked by any kind of animal, it only takes for it to happen once and you’re in trouble. We often are taught how to defend against muggers or bullies in martial arts classes and the like, but what do you do if you find yourself being chased by a rabid dog or in a field with a bull? What if an alligator has you in its sights? Read on…

Dogs: In this day and age dogs are the animals you’re most likely to be attacked, though the chances are still quite slim. Here are some handy techniques to get you out of trouble should you need them. The first way to stop a dog is to punch it straight in the nose - this will kill it instantly due to the shape of their snouts. The other is to grab their front legs and pull them apart - ripping open their rib cage as you do. I’m not sure about the law regarding these sort of circumstances though, so use these techniques sparingly. Also remember though; killing a dog is -50 karma so you’ll have to do some good to get your karma back.

Bulls: Contrary to popular belief bulls do not charge at red, they charge at movement. This is because bulls can only see movement, therefore by remaining totally still you will avoid being charged at. Simple. Hopefully the bull will move on to something different or you’re just going to be stood in a field for a very long time.

Bears: Now we’re getting more into Crocodile Dundee territory, most Urban areas have only few Bear attacks, but as an action hero defence against such creatures may be useful. When faced with danger from a bear the best strategy is to play dead.

Lions: Lions may seem pretty tough, but they’re also wusses, they actually are literally yellow bellied. The best way to deal with one then, is to try and scare it away. Rather than fight it. To do this you must make yourself seem as big and threatening as possible, do this by opening up your jacket like wings, standing on tip toes and shouting. This is also great fun. Remember though it is not the lion you need to worry about but the lioness who wears the trousers. Long live the queen!

Alligators: Alligators have incredibly strong jaw muscles, one way. They can only close their mouths with any force, meaning that you can easily hold their mouths closed - do this, then sit on top of them to prevent yourself being slashed by their powerful tale. Have you ever gotten down and dirty with an alligator?

Gorillas: If you see a Gorilla, and you will, don’t make eye contact. If you do it will think you are challenging, which probably isn’t a good idea. Similarly do not smile and show your teeth as this too is taken as a sign of aggression in gorilla language.

Mack LeMouse

Copyrighted material; do not reprint without permission.

 

View all articles by Mack LeMouse