In western society we often have the option of having our elderly parents cared for by hospitals, hospices and homes that we pay for. Yet choosing to do this often brings about a huge moral dilemma; is it unfair to hand my parents over to a stranger, will it distress them that I would rather not care for them? As a result there are huge numbers of adults who become full time carers for their elderly mothers and/or fathers, yet not much is known about what comes part and parcel of this job.

The role of a parent is a strong one and it's also one that never changes. Your mother and father will always be your mother and father no matter how many times you have to mop up their spills or help them up the stairs. This is one of the reasons why getting used to caring for an elderly parent is so difficult; the stark reversal of roles. In addition, there are a surprising number of mothers and fathers who have difficult relationships with their children, or who simply don't see eye to eye. This can cause resistance to accept this situation from both parties, but more often than not they do find a way around the awkwardness and upset. Similarly, a lot of siblings don't get along and one of the primary reasons for adult sibling disputes is over how to care for their parents and share the caring.

Caring for an elderly parent can be quite pleasant when your parent is happy and content, not too demanding and appreciative of your care, yet with some illnesses this kind of temperament is simply too much to ask for. Elderly individuals with Alzheimer's, for example, can become aggressive and unpredictable. Those who are deaf or blind can often feel left out of the things you do in your life and become paranoid when they miss something from a conversation. The fact that many elderly people sit alone in the quiet a lot means they have double the time to brood over something they may have accidentally taken completely out of context.

Unfortunately the person who often has to bear the brunt of these worried, concerns and misconceptions is the primary caregiver; the one person who is giving them the care, love and attention they crave so much. This is the reason why sharing the job of caring for an elderly parent is so important. If they live with your family then share out some of the jobs, get grandchildren and your husband or wife to interact with your parent on a daily basis. This could be by having someone else bring them their breakfast tray each day, or reading out their letters. It's also important for both of you to have a social life and every town has a lot of clubs for elderly people with all ranges of mobility. Get in touch with your doctor or local council to see if there are minibuses or taxis to take your parent to various clubs where they can meet people their own age.

Stan Tian

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