Thoughts of death and losing a loved one send a chill upon our hearts. Coping with the loss of someone you love can be difficult for adults. It is even more for children. Children respond to and deal with death in different ways. What can parents do to help their children cope with death? There is no question of easing the pain because death is very much real and so is the pain that comes with it. How you understand and face it makes all the difference.

When your child faces the loss of someone from his family or friends, the first thing that comes to mind is how we can break the news to him. Let someone close to the child tell him about the loss - a parent or a teacher would be the best person to break the news. Explain to the child in simple words what happened and why. Phrases like "went to be with God" and "slipped away into eternity" should be avoided because it only serves to confuse and frighten children. Answer patiently any question your child may have. Let your child know that it is alright to feel whatever he is feeling. There is no right or wrong in this case. Let him know that you are also dealing with the same emotions. If talking about the dead person brings tears to your eyes there is no need to stop yourself for fear that your child will see it and break down. As a matter of fact, a good, long cry can be healing for both you and your child.

Another question parents often grapple with is whether or not they should let their children attend the funeral of a loved one. Funerals offer a sense of closure for children just as they do for adults. Talk with your child about the funeral and the ceremonies and rituals that go with it. Ask your child if he would like to attend. Your child may wish to say a final good bye or place a flower or letter on the casket.

Very young children often do not understand the concept of death fully. They may keep expecting the dead person to return and may keep asking you about where he went or when he will be back. Don’t get angered or frustrated by such questions. Explain to your child that although it is very sad, the other person’s body stopped working and doctors couldn’t repair the body so he had to go away forever and won’t be back.

Children express grief in different ways. They may not burst into tears when you break the news. Their grief will be displayed through anger, anxiety, denial, confusion and a lot more. They tend to withdraw from others and perform badly at school. They may appear irritated or may suffer from panic attacks which manifest itself through nightmares and bed wetting. If you find your child riding a roller coaster of emotions, help him to get through this phase by understanding and by being there for him. It is a good idea to let the teachers at your child’s school knows about the death so that they can offer extra support to your child when he returns to school.

Events like anniversaries and birthdays are likely to bring back feelings of profound grief at the loss of a loved one. This is true for both adults and children. Make sure that you are there for your children during these times. Make an effort to talk to your child about his feelings and about the dead person. If your child wishes, you can do something to commemorate the dead person.

Death is just as painful for children as it for adults. But adults can come to terms with death much faster than children. For children the grieving phase is longer and needs to be handled sensitively. Your child needs your support and gentle care during this painful phase of life.

Jonathan Pitts

Copyrighted material; do not reprint without permission.

 

View all articles by Jonathan Pitts