Alarmingly, ‘side effects of steroids’ is a more popular search than ‘side effects of the pill’ demonstrating just how rife steroid use has become, or at least how much interest there is in the area. If you’re trying to get into shape then it’s very possible you’ve considered the use of steroids. The thing is, you probably haven’t also considered just how ridiculous an idea that is. Let me persuade you otherwise.

I once had a guy ring me up at my flat in Leeds who I knew from school. How he got my number I’m not sure but he was clearly a bit of a nutter. He was always quite a chubby fellow and had a very delusional self view (he kept telling me he was the ‘perfect build’ for bodybuilding... ). His question for me was should he take steroids? He didn’t work out, didn’t go to the gym, and didn’t even play any sports. He didn’t ask if he should maybe take a protein shake, or a fat burner more appropriately, he wanted to go straight into steroids... what a guy.

My answer was yes, but only because I was cruel and wanted to know what would happen to him. The reality is though it would probably result in some fat loss and slightly more muscle tissue but at a price that was very disproportionate (both in terms of the actual price and the price he’d pay in terms of health issues). You see, contrary to popular belief taking steroids is not a silver bullet that will lead to immediate superhuman physiques. What steroids are is a synthetic hormone, meaning it’s a fake version of a hormone you already produce – most likey testosterone. So no, it won’t turn you into the Incredible Hulk on its own and to see results you really need to be going to the gym regularly and putting in a hell of a lot of work. Bodybuilders use it to get an edge on their competition, not instead of working out which will always involve hard work I’m afraid. So what if you are a bodybuilder and you do want that edge? Is it worth it then? I’m afraid I’d still go with no.

The first and most obvious reason not to take steroids is because of the health risks and side effects. Taking steroids can affect a variety of areas the most alarming being the affect it has on the heart, and heart attacks are far more common with those using steroids. Furthermore, it can cause damage to the liver, making steroids potentially fatal – not just unpleasant. As for the unpleasant stuff though, steroids will cause acne in the majority of cases sending you back to your awkward teen years, aggravate your mood causing what’s known as ‘roid rage’ and even lead to shrunken testicles – that’s the one that gets to most guys!

Furthermore, taking synthetic hormones can prevent your ability to secrete natural hormones, meaning that you’ll eventually become dependent on the drug and that it will lose some of its effectiveness. The reason for this is that your body becomes aware of the extra chemicals in your body and so believes it doesn’t need to produce as many itself. So you have more fake testosterone but less real testosterone – not great.

But on top of this you need to think about the other consequences of taking steroids, and what a large risk and what a large undertaking it really is. Are you going to tell your friends and family what you’re doing? Because if you do they’re going to be against it and they’re going to be very worried about you (rightly so). Do you really want to put up with that agro 24/7? And if you don’t tell them how are you going to explain where you keep going? Why they can’t look under your bed? What those marks on your arms are? And actually finding a place to go away, then inject yourself, is going to be tricky to. You need equipment to do that – to sterilise the needle and the syringe itself... and injecting yourself will hurt.

And don’t forget, steroids are illegal and if you get caught with them you face an unlimited fine and a jail sentence. The fact that they’re illegal also creates other problems; you’re going to have to buy from dodgy sources with no outside tests being done to assure the quality of what your buying. You may well be injecting horse tranquilisers into your veins! You’re going to have to be dealing with some shady characters, or losing money when your order is stopped at customs. And you’re going to be spending a lot on this stuff in the first place.

Ask yourself why you’ve got to this stage, at what point did your hobby become an obsession? You’re ruining the name of bodybuilding and detracting from your own personal achievement. Sure the current bodybuilding champions use steroids, but if you do the same you’re supporting this and causing more people to be tempted in just the same way. There was a time when bodybuilders were judged for their definition and their symmetry, when anyone could conceivably become a successful bodybuilder. In today’s world is bodybuilding really something you’d want your child doing? The power lies with us to change that. Or you can become a spotty, angry, intense, law-breaking, freak with a tiny member and die early. It’s your call.

Mack LeMouse

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