We all make mistakes from time to time and depending on the size and nature of our mistakes it’s normal to feel some guilt when these affect other people. Sometimes however, our guilt can be disproportionate in relation to the crime and it can result in a lot of stress and discomfort. Other times it may last longer than it should and prevent us from getting on with our lives when there’s really nothing we can do about it. It may even lead us to make more mistakes. Guilt can then start creeping into other areas of our life and result in us becoming constantly unhappy and damaging our self esteem. This stress can even cause illness or worsen pre-existing conditions. The upsetting irony is that the sort of person who experiences such crushing guilt is often the sort of person who really doesn’t deserve to; which is why it’s so important that you learn how to forgive yourself and move on with the rest of your life happily. Remember, ‘to err is human, to forgive is divine’, and that goes double when you’re forgiving yourself.

First of all, it doesn’t matter what your crime is and you need to learn how to forgive yourself for anything before you can move forward. It is important to identify the causes of your guilt to start with however, and these can take several forms. Sometimes guilt is a result of a particular event such as a car crash or an argument, other times it’s a more abstract guilt that stems from general ‘failure’ or perceived worthlessness. The latter of the two is often the more severe and may stem from an event that occurred a long time ago or for general low self esteem. When thinking about why you feel guilt though try to be specific as possible – if you feel you’re a failure then where have you failed and where could you improve? If you’ve done something wrong then what exactly did you do and who did affect?

Once you know the cause of your guilt you’re one step closer to knowing how to forgive yourself. What can help now is to purge yourself of this painful memory or character flaw through catharsis. You can do this by apologising to someone else, for example the person who you affect (though you will likely have already done this you can do it again by letter), or to anyone else you think you’ve ‘failed’. Alternatively you can write a letter of apology to yourself, or with no address – so long as you get your feelings out you should feel as though some of the burden has been lifted. Similarly you may wish to talk to someone impartial about your guilt, for example a counsellor, a supportive friend who’s distanced from the situation, or a helpline.

If this doesn’t work then chances are your guilt has become disproportionate to the situation and is now more a symptom of general low self esteem. Again professional help such as advice from a cognitive behavioural therapist can help you to identify and put a stop to destructive thought patterns and ruminations.

Mack LeMouse

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