Any relationship is hard and any relationship can lead to a range of arguments and difficulties. However when it comes to marriage all of these difficulties are exacerbated – which is a shame because the steaks are also exacerbated. Suddenly you have a lot more to lose – a break up now means potentially losing your home, it means legal and financial difficulties and it may mean putting the rest of your family and particularly any children through a lot of difficulties. Perhaps then it’s no coincidence that this is when things get really hard and some of the worst arguments can start.
At this point it becomes crucial that you fight for your marriage and that you see these things through to the end or until there is some kind of resolution. However what would of course be far preferable would be for you to never find yourself in that situation in the first place. One way to help yourself try and avoid the common causes of marriage failure is to understand what they are so that you can have an action plan ready ahead of time. Here we will address then each of the big three problems and look at some of the things you can do to make them less of a problem.
Money is one of the biggest causes for arguments in a marriage and can eventually lead to divorce if they continue. The difficulty is that you will now be sharing your finances most likely and this means that any money that either one of you spends will come out of a joint account. If one of you is thriftier and one of you prefers to splash the cash, then this can cause arguments – one partner shouting at the other for spending money that they shouldn’t have, or another getting annoyed at always feeling restricted on what they can spend their hard earned riches on. There’s nothing more frustrating than working a hard day at work from 9-5, then coming home to find that your partner has just bought themselves a new expensive outfit – after telling you you couldn’t buy something you wanted not long before.
The simple solution if it’s one that you are willing to take, is to try and avoid the problem altogether by simply not sharing your money. This means that you each have a separate account for anything you might choose to save for yourself and for anything you might choose to buy for your partner. This also makes your gifts feel much more worthwhile as they’re not coming out of money you both had access to all along. You can have a joint account for bills and for things you both need such as food and washing products, and then you can just both pay the same amount into that.
There are some pitfalls with this solution however. The first of these is that it can be unfair if one of you is a stay-at-home housewife or house husband. This might mean that one of you is staying home and not earning any money, and has no access to any of the other partner’s account – despite all the work they put into looking after the house and raising the children.
Thus in this scenario a great solution is to agree to ‘split’ the salary. It’s not a ‘wage’ paid by the working partner to the other, but rather an agreed amount by which to share out the money. If you make this a percentage then the salary will affect both of you. This also allows the partner staying at home to get much more involved and interested in their other half’s career and prevents one of the other common arguments caused by finances – ‘you’re never at home!’ ‘that’s because I’m earning money for you!’. Lastly this method can also mean that if you do end up getting divorced, you can easily split your assets down the middle and both walk away with what’s yours.
This method creates a certain amount of freedom and independence that enables you to function better as a couple. However it’s not for everyone and some people will be put off of the idea of ‘hoarding’ money away from their partner. This can sometimes raise issues about trust and in some cases it can cause arguments if it seems like one of you is always paying for the meals etc. Some people will simply have a desire to merge their assets when they get married from a romantic point of view, seeing it as part of the process of marrying and becoming ‘one’.
If this is how you feel, then a similar method is simply to make sure that you budget as well as possible – take time to agree on how much you are going to spend on yourselves each month, how much you are going to put away as savings, how much you are going to spend on household items etc. This way you can stick within the budget and that way neither of you will have any need for complaint.
Sex if it goes well can elevate a marriage to another level and bring the two of you together more than anything else while keeping your relationship fresh and exciting. However it can also be the cause of a large number of arguments if things don’t go precisely to plan. Often these arguments come from your differences in terms of how much you want to have sex and as a general rule this will be because the man wants to have sex more and more frequently than the woman does. This then causes a number of arguments as the woman feels she’s being cheapened and used for sex and the man feels that he’s not fancied by the woman, not as loved, or that she’s simply holding out on him when she wouldn’t have to do much in order to make him very happy. Both arguments of course are legitimate reasons to be unhappy. Sex can also cause arguments in other ways though too – for instance if one of you feels you are under-achieving or you feel unattractive this can lead to feelings of insecurity that can come out in unusual ways.
There is no clear fix for this situation, and you are likely to find that a lot of it simply comes down to how often you both want sex and how compatible you are as a result. However you can also both make things easier by trying to be more understanding and trying to see where your partner is coming from – men should understand that women want there to be an emotional connection when they’re having sex and that they want it to be special each time (as a rule). At the same time they are simply less horny than men and can often not be in the mood if they have headaches, or if it’s a bad time of the month. Men then need to be more sensitive to these issues and to try and make the experience as pleasant as possible and not to ‘expect’ anything. Try to recognise when a woman is not feeling in the right mood and back off before it becomes too much of a problem. At the same time understand that there’s not anything personal or malicious behind it – it simply means that you are on a different wavelength.
At the same time though women also need to understand the situation from a man’s point of view. Being horny for a man is very much a primal force that can feel akin to extreme hunger. He sees it as flattery for you, and as an important way for you both to be closer and so it can be hurtful and highly frustrating when you reject his advances – especially if you do it regularly. Meanwhile he will need an outlet so if it’s not you it will likely be the television or worse – another woman. As men aren’t really allowed to talk about their sexual urges and are taught to keep them mostly quiet this can only make it all worse. A last point to remember is that the more you push him away, the hornier he will be next time. It doesn’t need to be a huge long-lasting intimate session but if you just throw him a bone every now and then you’ll be doing something nice for someone you love at no real expense for you.
One thing both of you can do to both placate the man, and to get the woman to enjoy the experience more, is to keep things fresh and to mix it up. This means trying on outfits, role playing different parts, doing it in public, or using toys or lubrication. Anything that you are both comfortable with that can make things more interesting.
The most important thing to remember is that you both need to talk about it. Women shouldn’t try and push their man away by saying they’ve got a headache, or without explanation or he’ll start to suspect that something isn’t right or simply get too frustrated. Likewise if you do have any problems – with your own performance or with theirs, then you should just talk about it.
Which brings us nicely on to the last point – communication. This is a rather broad subject and of course deals more with your way of handling problems rather than the route of the problems themselves. Essentially it is very simple to understand though – those who do not communicate and discuss problems are likely to find that they build up and come out all at once, whereas those who raise issues that are concerning them are more likely to find that problems never become larger or more serious.
Thus you should make sure that if you do have any problems with your relationship, that you raise them with your partner. This might not be something that comes naturally to you, but understand that you’re just being honest and doing the right thing – it’s worth biting the bullet and going for it. Recognise that not talking about the issue won’t make it go away, you need to talk about it sooner rather than later and then face the consequences so that you can both work with them.
Then be sure to not just mention the problem, but to talk it through until you come to a solution or at least a conclusion. If your partner is not communicative this might require you to ‘pester’ them and bother them until they are honest with you and ready to discuss everything. However again this is difficult but worthwhile.