That F-word cries out, about an issue created too long ago. How do you feel after you say it? You may feel calmer for a while, or stay angry, fuming and ruminating because you discover sooner or later that the issue is still there.

The other f-word can free you so you never need to get to the point of saying that F-word. The other f-word is a feeling. In relationships with a partner, children, family members, and friends we relate our feelings and life gets better. Here are three effective exercises:

Exercise 1: Name that feeling word

When someone says, "How are you?" we’re programmed to say, "Fine." A friend in Alcoholics Anonymous told me that in his group, "fine" is an acronym that stands for, "F-word, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional." We laughed at the joke, but it reached the point: "Fine" doesn’t mean anything.

When a loved one asks, "How was work?" or, "How are you?" answer with a feeling word. Start with words you are comfortable with. Pick from these feeling words to start: exhausted, confused, ecstatic, guilty, suspicious, angry, hysterical, frustrated, sad, confident, embarrassed, happy, mischievous, disgusted, frightened, enraged, ashamed, cautious, smug, depressed, overwhelmed, hopeful, lonely, love struck, jealous, bored, surprised, anxious, shocked, shy.

Exercise 2: Ask others how they feel

Say this sample conversation out loud: "How are you?" "Fine." "You look happy?" "Well, no." "What do you feel sad about?" And keep going until you dig down to the true feeling, or as far as a person is comfortable. Within a month, you and your loved ones will be communicating feelings.

Exercise 3: Teach children feeling words

Before a child can talk, state the feeling that the child is exhibiting. When they get to the point of understanding that level of language, they will be stating their feelings themselves. Ask the question, "Why are you…" and name things the child may be having that feeling about. Once the child understands "why," the child can answer.

If your children are older and just learning, it will take just as long or longer to learn as if they were toddlers. Start off slowly. Instead of asking, "How was school." ask, "What did you do at school today?" It gets the child used to talking. If the children are into their preteen or teen years, they may avoid the question, until one day, they say a sentence. Ask about the thing the child mentioned. If the child avoids it, drop it, and ask again tomorrow, until it is habit for both you and the child.

Once the children are used to talking more in-depth about events, say things like, "It sounds like you had a great day." The child may answer, "No, it sucked." Say, "Really? What was going on?" This may also give some insight into a child’s social life. Ask finally, "How did you feel?" Offer some feeling words for them to use. They get used to talking beyond naming the events at school and talk about how they felt about it, you can move on to talking about other events in their lives.

In time, possibly only months, your family may be communicating more effectively about feelings. Talking about feelings leads to a happier home life, feeling closer to each other, having fewer emotional burdens, feeling like life is easier, having fewer negative thoughts, and feeling like it’s freeing your inner self.

Jason Ladock

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