It’s hard to watch a child grieve. Whether the child is grieving the loss of a parent or grieving due to their parent’s divorce, it’s heartbreaking watching the child go through the process and feeling helpless. If you are grieving alongside the child, it’s doubly hard. So what do you do? How long does the grieving process take and what’s normal? There are normal stages of grieving and some guidelines to helping your child, but for each child the process will be different. Knowing the basic guidelines, however, will help you comfort the child.

The majority of grief counseling professionals agree on four basic stages of the grieving process. The first stage being shock or disbelief. This is a period of time when the child appears to be functioning normally and seems to have adjusted to situation without any problems. Don’t let this stage fool you into thinking everything is okay and that everything is going to be "smooth sailing" from here on out. The child is functioning normally not because everything is okay, but because of their refusal to accept the situation. As with all of the stages, how long this lasts will vary. During this time, it is best for you to have patience; listen to the child when she feels like talking, and be watching for the second stage of grief.

The second stage is described as the searching stage. This stage is defined as the period of time when the child has finally accepted reality and the fact that the other parent or loved one isn’t coming back. This stage is characterized by anger, confusion, guilt, or restlessness. Communicating with your child is extremely important in this stage. Talk with her about her anger. Who is she angry with? Try to help her work through that anger. Confusion and guilt also play a big part in this stage. Don’t let your child shoulder any blame for the situation. Explain to your child that they are in no way responsible for the situation.

Disorientation is most often used to describe the third stage of grieving. Characterized by extreme sadness or depression, the child may still have guilty feelings and is still working through this issue. You know your child is in this stage when she suddenly becomes disinterested in life, not wanting to eat or participate in activities she previously enjoyed. As with all stages, the important thing to remember is to keep communication open. Don’t put restraints on her feelings or how she expresses them. Let her know every feeling she is experiencing is okay. Because lack of appetite and disinterest in activities is part of this stage you need to make sure she is getting the proper nutrition and making every effort to keep her active. Being around friends, even if she isn’t actively involved, will help her transition out of this stage.

The final stage of grief is reorganization. In this stage your child will begin to accept the situation. She will become less sad and have more energy. Just be prepared that she can fluctuate between this stage and the last stage many times before the grieving process is complete, so be patient.

The two key elements to helping your child during this difficult time are patience and communication. It is important that you realize that the grieving process won’t always be clearly defined and that it takes longer for some children to work their way through it. Just be patient and understanding, you and your child will see better days ahead and life will become "normal" again.

Jason Ladock

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