Whether you’re involved in a new relationship or you been in the same one for years, there are times when things just aren’t going that well. Or maybe things aren’t going well most of the time but you really love your partner and want to continue the relationship. Either way, you’ve got some issues that need to be worked out but don’t know where to start. Here are some basics that will help you out.

Communication

Probably the most important element in any relationship is communication. Without it, you are going to have problems. Disagreements are common in relationships and are actually good for them. No two people are exactly alike so if you never have any disagreements that means that one or both of you are hiding your feelings from the other partner. This is obviously not good. Your partner should be your best friend. You should be able to tell each other everything. Feel free to talk to your partner and tell him or her your feelings even if it causes a disagreement. Constructive disagreements help your relationship grow.

Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Unless you tell your partner what you are feeling, he isn’t going to know. It is unfair of you to expect your partner to anticipate your every feeling and need. As you get to know each other better, you will be able to anticipate each other’s needs, but don’t demand or expect this. This is something a relationship has to grow into. If you’ve been in a relationship for a long period of time and haven’t effectively communicated, start now.

If you are unhappy about some aspect of your relationship, share this with your partner. Communicate your feelings verbally in a constructive and nice way. If you think you can "drop hints" about what you are unhappy about and your partner is going to magically pick up the hint, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and putting unnecessary blame on your partner. Be nice, but get to the point.

When your partner is speaking, listen. Let them finish their thoughts or tell you all of their feelings about whatever is important to them. Interrupting tells them that you don’t think their feelings or ideas are important. Listen without interrupting, and give indications that you are actively listening, not staring off into the distance or looking at the TV.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is to hide your true feelings from your partner. This shows that you are hiding something, or are afraid that won’t really care for you if they know you have these feelings. Your partner needs to know everything about you and accept you just like you are. Until you have this acceptance, you won’t truly feel loved and accepted in the relationship and will always feel that something is missing.

Settle Disagreements Quickly

While having disagreements can be healthy for a relationship, ignoring them or letting them drag out over a period of time can be deadly. It’s okay to have disagreements, but you need to set some ground rules for arguing. Your first rule is to agree to settle disagreements right away. This isn’t always fun because you’re mad at each other, but you need to clear the air and don’t let the argument simmer. Simmering arguments get blown out of proportion in your mind. The longer you stay mad at your partner, the more time you have to think about every injustice they have committed since you’ve known them.

Besides agreeing to settle the argument right away, you need to have other ground rules for disagreements. Here are a few to get you started.

• Don’t withdraw from the argument
• Don’t withdraw from the conversation
• Don’t call names
• Don’t get nasty or abusive
• Know what you are fighting about
• Don’t bring up past arguments – fight about the issue at hand
• Don’t place blame – share it
• Don’t fight until someone "wins"

By having and following rules, you can turn your disagreements into discussions that actually help your relationship grow and bring you both closer together.

Don’t Criticize or Belittle

Your partner needs to be loved by you unconditionally. He or she needs to feel loved no matter what quirks or secrets they have. They need to feel free to tell you absolutely everything. If you have the habit of belittling your partner’s opinions, feelings, or desires, you are going to cut off communication with them. They won’t open up to you and will feel badly about themselves. Your opinion is more important to them than any other person – or it should be. If you find that your partner confides in others, but not you, you need to change this by showing your partner that you value their opinions and think their feelings are important. This could take some time if you have done damage in this area before, but you can gain your partner’s trust again.

Work as a Team

During the course of your relationship, you are going to have good times and hard times. When things in your relationship or in life don’t go as expected, this is the time for the two of you to pull together as a team. A good plan is to sit down together and discuss your plan of attack – how you are going to solve whatever problem it is that you are experiencing. If you don’t agree on how to solve the problem, compromise. Take good ideas from each other and put them together to find a way to handle the situation. Life sometimes gives you tragedies, if you can’t compromise and work through them together, the tragedies will pull you apart.

No relationship goes smoothly all the time. Learn to look at the difficulties you may be experiencing and learn from them. Apply these tips and work through the problems together as a couple. Communicating and working as a team is key to having a great relationship.

Jason Ladock

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