Catching your partner cheating is something that no one ever wants to do. Despite this however, knowing how to find out if someone is cheating on you is a highly useful skill that can mean that you save yourself more pain further down the line. Like pulling off a plaster, the sooner you discover that you’re being cheated on, the sooner you can get past it and move forwards. Better than finding on your silver wedding anniversary that your partner’s had over fifty sexual partners since your marriage… But how do you find out if someone is cheating on you then?
Well of course there are the obvious underhanded methods. These include checking mobile phones, e-mails or even following your partner. Unless you have a very good reason to suspect they’re cheating on you (and by very good I mean seeing a foot disappear from the window as you enter the bedroom), then this can be borderline paranoid. This kind of invasion of privacy is in itself a serious and damaging act for any relationship, and if you’re found out to be wrong then you will simply have made it obvious that you don’t trust them and that they need to password protect their computer. In many ways this can then make your relationship much more difficult and cause a lot more harm than good. If you’re going to use any kind of spying however then might we recommend bank statements which don’t require you to break any passwords or go behind their back but which can give away vital clues such as hotel rooms and presents you’ve never received (make sure though that they aren’t gifts for you for later).
There are however more tactical (not to mention tactful) ways of smoking out a cheater that don’t require you to betray their trust but that can make life very difficult for them and their adulterous ways. If they really are having another relationship then chances are that they’re going to be spending a fair amount of time with their mistress or Mr (?), and this is something you can exploit. For example by suddenly wanting to spend a lot more time with your partner, booking trips and events together, calling unexpectedly and ‘surprising’ them with random visits, you can make their affair very difficult to squeeze in and far harder to hide. At the same time you’re doing nothing wrong, in fact you’re being a good boyfriend or girlfriend by trying to spend a lot of time with your significant other. If you take them on a surprise week away you can then rest assured that they’ve had no chance to inform their new partner and you can look for any suspicious behaviour at the time. If you call them a lot and get lots of rejections then again you know something’s up, or if you visit them at work to find they’ve taken the day off without telling you. A similar tactic is to say that you’re going away for the weekend, and then surprise them by showing up at their house (or at yours if you’re living together). Chances are that if they think they have an empty house or some free time, then they might seize this opportunity.
However this method will only work if your partner is having an ongoing relationship. In other cases however they might simply cheat on you with one night stands on nights out, or even without sex by just pulling (snogging) other people. In these cases it can be a lot harder to discover what’s going on as there are no long term commitments involved. However if you suspect that this might be the case then you must have some reason to believe that they cheat, and this should be thought of as your first piece of evidence. The trick is from here to enquire as to the source of the concern but without letting them know that you suspect anything. For example if you found a suspicious text you can simply ask who they’re texting next time and if anything interesting is going on. It will seem like idle chat, but it will give you an opportunity to asses their reactions and to try and spot if they make something up. If you find underwear however, or something similarly suspicious, then you can be really sneaky; and as they clearly didn’t know it was there – move it onto your bed then enter the room together so you both ‘discover’ the item at the same time. Again see how they relaxed. If they’re curious and amused then it might be a surprise for you, if they seem panicked and alarmed then you’re in trouble. If you smell an unusual scent on them then just ask what cologne they’re wearing now. The other trick is a more direct approach and involves offering to go on a night out with them every time they go. If they start trying to shake you off you might have an idea, though they might just genuinely want some alone time with their friends. Another option then is to offer to pick them up after their night out to save money on petrol. There’s very little chance they’d say no to this offer normally. Alternatively you can just turn up at the same club by ‘surprise’ or as an ‘accident’ and see how they react to that.
There are other more subtle signs that can let you know your partner might be cheating. One of these is that they suddenly start to shower you with gifts, praise or attention, or start telling you how much they love you. While this might seem to go against common sense, it is actually a common way for many individuals to deal with feelings of guilt and to make sure you don’t know. If they cheat it can also make them feel like they’re losing you and as such they will be pleased to see you. Of course there’s a good chance that they might just genuinely be pleased to see you so you shouldn’t take this as a sure sign of betrayal. Similarly someone who is cheating might seem a little more secretive and elusive and you may see them less than you would normally. You can probably expect less contact when you’re not together as they simply don’t have as much time now their attention is divided. This then combined with increased affection when you do meat becomes a suspicious and unusual behaviour that can act as a good clue. Interestingly another unusual clue is that they might start accusing you of cheating. To them cheating has now become a realistic possibility and so they will be more likely to suspect you of doing the same.
If you suspect then but don’t have any solid evidence, one of the most honest and straightforward ways to find out is to simply ask them outright if they’re cheating or have ever cheated. Again this will show that you don’t trust them, but is a lot less underhand than going behind their back to look at emails and texts. At the same time the truth is you obviously don’t trust them, and by bringing this up in an open way you can then try to deal with this problem and move forwards. Ask when they don’t expect it and you will have the best chance of catching them off guard. From here you can then assess their reaction in order to assess if they’re lying. If they pause for a significant amount of time this means they’ve had to think about their answer and might be a sign that they’re covering something up. On the other hand, if they’ve been cheating and they feel guilty, they might come clean and admit everything. Alternatively however you can use this guilt to your advantage to find out without having to ask directly. For exactly by talking about a friend who was cheated on and saying how lucky you are that your partner would never do such a thing – then watching the reaction.
Another useful method of finding out is to befriend one of their friends so that you’re friends in your own right. From here the friend might start to feel sorry for you, or like they’re betraying you themselves. If you ask them indirectly, for example if they ever think your partner would be capable of such a thing, then you can assess their reaction and maybe even get a confession from them. Once you have the ‘proof’ get details and you can then tell your partner that a friend witnessed the act, or was friends with the person he cheated on you with. If it’s a ongoing affair and you have an idea of who it is then you can even try befriending that person. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer… If you want to be truly devious then you could invite that person out on a meal with you and your partner and ask them to bring a date. You’ve been badly hurt, you might as well get some enjoyment from watching the guilty parties squirm.
With all these tactics, hopefully you can find one that suits your particular situation, and hopefully you’ll be able to catch your cheater before too much damage. Even better you might find out that your concerns were based on nothing and that they weren’t cheating at all. However you’re not out of the woods jus yet, and if you felt the need to read this article for anything other than idle interest then you are obviously lacking an element of trust in your relationship. As such you still have problems you need to address, and you need to ask yourself why you didn’t trust your partner to begin with.
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