Dating does not have to be a nightmare, but it often is. So, what do you do when the Miss or Mr Right that you were expecting to meet turns out to be a nightmare that you know you can not wake up screaming from because they are there right in front of you? Here are some sure fire ways to make sure that this first date will be your last and that they will be legging it out of there like a bat out of hell.
Take off your shoes and socks and start picking your toenails. This works best when you are both eating. If you want to be totally gross start cutting your nails and making comments like ‘I found one of these babies in my dinner once.’
Tip – Accidentally allow one of your nails to plop into their drink or meal.
Get drunk and start singing Danny Boy.
Tip – For added effect, sing right in your date’s face making sure you slur your words even if you are not really drunk.
Bring out that bag containing the photo albums jam-packed with pictures of your ex. ‘Keep on saying ‘but I have got over them,’ as you show your opposite number the pics and go into graphic detail about where and when they were taking.
Tip – Start blubbing and wailing ‘oh why did it have to end.’
Recount how you were so heartbroken when your last relationship ended that you watched your exes home for weeks on end even camping out in your car just to see what they were up to. Keep on repeating the phrase ‘I’m not a stalker honest!’
Tip – Ask if they know where you can get a good bugging device.
Tell them about all of the sexually transmitted diseases that you have had. Take out a piece of paper and look at it as if to consult it to maximise the effect. The paper could be your shopping list but the other person will not know.
Tip – Say ‘Oh I missed my appointment done the clinic yesterday’ and start scratching your crotch area like you have got crabs.
If you are in a public place every time someone walks in, go red faced and duck. Then whisper to your companion ‘I had a thing with him once and it ended so badly!’ They will think you are a tramp.
Tip – Do this even if the person is way older than you. We want to get that whole I’m anybody’s thing going on.
Keep on calling them another name. No matter how often they try and correct you keep doing it. Keep saying ‘what’s your name again?’ and when they answer pretend you didn’t hear so they have to say it over and over again.
Tip – Call them the same name as your ex. Now that’ll really make them feel like they are wasting their time.
Take out a newspaper and start gazing intently at the personal ads column. Then start circling ads with a red pen. Read out some and ask them what they think of them.
Tip – If they get up even if it is just to go to the loo say ‘NEXT’ as though you have already lined up other dates.
Come over all Anne Robinson from The Weakest Link and interrogate them and be cheeky with it. The more intrusive the question the better. Possible questions could range from –
1. Do you find me attractive? Asking this will make you less attractive.
2. What’s your bra/pants size?
3. Are you wearing any underwear?
Confide in them about the time you spent in jail, but do not tell them what you did. Hint that you may have murdered someone and that you are currently out on parole.
Tip – Start going on about how ‘the pigs’ will not leave you alone.
Tell them that your ex is a psycho who has refused to accept that your relationship is over and has started stalking you all over town.
Tip – Say ‘That looks like him/her there!’
Confide that you have a foot fetish and ask if they will suck your toes now. Then start taking off your shoes.
Tip – Mention your Athlete’s Foot/trench foot.
Tell them that your hair is falling out in a rather sensitive area. This is perfect dinner conversation if you have decided you do not want to see them again.
Tip – Ask them if they want to see and pretend to reach into your crotch area.
Tell them that you have escaped from a mental asylum and go on about how you miss your I love me jacket (straitjacket).
Tip – Every time someone wearing white approaches starts saying ‘they are here to get me.’
Adopt the laugh from hell. You know the one that sounds like a donkey has escaped. Guffaw at absolutely everything that they say even if it is not remotely funny.
Tip – Make sure that you laugh even when you are being told something serious like ‘my granny died.’
Ask them stupid questions of the nature if you were a teapot/house/grain of sand what type would you be?
Tip – Try doing multiple choice to up the annoyance factor.
Mention you have an incontinence problem and watch as they look at you with disgust.
Tip – Ask them to remind you before you leave that you need to buy some more incontinence pads.
Scare them witless by telling them about your obsession with vampires. Watch as they turn pale and try to work out an escape route.
Tip – Tell them that you like to drink the blood of the people you sleep with.
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