It is no wonder blokes feel so neglected when it comes to attracting members of the opposite sex. As a man you are meant to just swagger over to a bird – well woman as you are not supposed to call them chicks any more apparently – give her some old chat and then before you know it you have charmed the knickers off her and you are in, her. Life’s not like that unless your name’s James Bond and it is in the script.
What is in the script is this everyday scenario of men and women. You spot a girl. It could be anywhere – across a crowded bar or it at the gym. You would not mind going over there and checking out the lay of the land. Trouble is your bricking it. They are pretty scary things these modern women. All fluttering eyelashes and lipstick and nice to look at, but that caustic tongue could make you burst into flames. You do not want your balls to end up on fire or to end up with hairspray in your eyes – its no use protesting “Do I look like a stalker?” because she is already decided that hey man you do. What is a guy to do?
What you need is some advice from an insider. I know a lot about women because I am one.
Just like you, men scout for new talent so do women. That is why your first step should be to look over at her. And make it quick. Look too long and you are a stalker and she is looking out that illegal mace spray that she is got stashed. Does she return your gaze or is she looking elsewhere? We can not help making eye contact with those we fancy whether it is openly or covertly and our pupils enlarge when we are interested in someone. Watch out for the compact trick – she is checking you out in her mirror and not powdering her nose. She could also be zooming in on your reflection in the mirror or a glass – some gals I know do this just to check that the man has a reflection and is not Count Dracula, although when they use that phrase they leave the ‘o’ out of the Count.
Just because she is giving you some eye action does not always mean that its good news. It is vial that you can differentiate between the come hither look and the “fuck off I am not interested look.” Believe it or not sometimes they can look like the same thing. Yeah, really. Maybe it is because women are better at sarcasm than men and I speak as an expert. I have seen many a poor guy shot down in flames because he is interpreted ‘the look’ wrongly.
Deciphering the eye contact code is all-important, so test out that look by returning eye contact. Does she return your gaze or look up to the heavens as she rolls her eyes – maybe she was squinting because her contact lenses were playing up? The telltale sign that she likes you is when she goes slightly red and turns to giggle with her mates/fumbles in her bag or she gives you a lingering look back and then starts fiddling with her handbag leaving you praying that she is looking for condoms. This is a sign that says: “Your place or mine.” Trust me; her face will not be the only thing that is flushed.
A little wink never goes astray either. When we say wink we mean a casual lift of the eyebrow not a full on it lasts 30 seconds Benny Hill leer. Raise your eyebrows and see if she smiles. What kind of smile is it? Full Julia Roberts, eyes and all teeth and you are onto a winner. Just the mouth crease and its trouble – she may be in pain. She could be smiling at anybody or laughing at you or even thinking, “what a twat.”
Then there is the preening. Just like chimpanzees show their affection for one another by eating the ticks and beasties off one another’s backs (now there is a suggestion for your first date), women show their interest in you by trying to make they look more attractive. This can involve lots of hair flicking (do not get too close or it could have your eye out – some girls I know could flick hair for England) or my personal favourite of sticking her boobs out as though she is offering them on a silver platter. You wish. Do not forget to look out for those nipples if she is not wearing a bra. She could be hot for you.
You guys do a jug watch; well we girls do a willy watch. Are you straining to get out of your trousers? Despite what all men think size does not always matter, but the groin area is one part of the male anatomy women go for in a big way. And no, it is not always to check out the size of your wallet. We’re drawn to it apparently because we want to check out if fit you will be able to father our children and they will be healthy and strong.
Like watching a penalty taker in soccer, the dip of her shoulders can tell you which way she is going to go. If you are talking to her and her shoulders point directly at you she wants your body. Shoulders point elsewhere and the only way she is interested is if you tell her that you play for Chelsea. Do not despair if her shoulders aren’t giving you the green light, if your patter improves they might change direction.
Is she copying your movements? Another thing that monkeys do is to mirror what their prospective mate is doing. Note this does not apply when you are scratching your balls in public, as women do not have balls and if they did they would not scratch them in public.
Once you have decided that she is interested then its time to move in for aural sex with the killer chat up line. Remember men are turned on by what they see; women are turned on by what they hear. There are some hard and fast rules here. No sleazy, “you know, you are very easy on the eyes… and very hard on my erection,” gnawingly predictable, “if I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?” or “how do you like your eggs in the morning – scrambled or fertilised” and definitely no “you have nice legs when do they open?” – when she karate chops you in the face most likely.
Go cute not crass. Try “Let’s rearrange the alphabet and put U & I together” (this will have her thinking “sweet”) or flatter her with “someone must have taken the stars out of the sky and placed them in your eyes” (boring as hell, but it works). Tip – “your eyes are like spanners they make my nuts tighten,” would not be seen as flattering just lechy.
Best of all if you want to tickle her fancy try tickling her funny bone. Women like a man with a GSOH. My personal favourite was when a guy came up to me and did an impersonation of Meg Ryan in Harry Met Sally. Once I realised he wasn’t having an asthma attack I couldn’t stop laughing. Laughing girls are more likely to drop ‘em. Trust me my knickers have been there.
Last tip – be careful out there men. Women these days are no blushing violets and like to toy with men. Gosh, I feel so protective like a big sister.
Some not too subtle ways to tell she wants you…
She is eating a banana like she is eating you and making slurping noises.
She asks you if you’d like to play with a new toy – and hands you her breasts.
She has her hand down your pants.
She says, “I want you now big boy!”
She offers to heat up your hands by putting them inside her bra/between her legs.
She is ripping off her/your clothes.
Signs she is not interested…
She slaps you in the face.
She hands you a piece of paper with her phone no on it. There is no numbers and all it says is “JERK.”
She puts her wedding ring back on and says; “I’d better get back to my husband and kids.”
She makes this “uh ah” sound after you have delivered your best line.
The police arrive to cart you off.
A tattooed hulk promptly drags you outside to give you a good kicking.
Make yourself more fanciable
1. Do not go on about your previous relationships and what a bitch she was. Women are so not attracted to miserable men.
2. Do not start talking about sex from the off even when that is the main thing on your mind.
3. Do not talk all about you. Women like men who are interested in them.
4. Smile and use plenty of eye contact and lots of gentle, but subtle touching of the hand.
5. Give her plenty of compliments. If she makes disparaging remarks about herself, turn her negative into a positive i.e. if she says she wishes she were taller say, “all good things come in small packages” and that will also pave the way to let her know that you are less than blessed in the trouser department.
6. Wash your hands after you have been to the toilet. There is nothing less likely to make a woman horny than a man’s pee stained hands. Ditto your willy if you are expecting some dessert for afters.