Flatmate From Hell

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The meat they have put in the freezer looks like it could be human body parts, but you can not tell which parts they come from. You seriously consider contacting your local police department to see if anyone has gone missing, presumed murdered.

There is never any toilet roll in the loo because they have been stockpiling it. You know this because when you knocked on their door asking if they had any toilet paper, they opened it and an avalanche of the stuff fell out.

They go for weeks without washing, and then go around growling ‘you do not think I stink, do you?’ as you set up an exclusion zone a few hundred yards from them, whilst wearing a hazmat suit.

Things are starting to go missing from the house you share and they keep turning up on eBay. The seller always has the same user name.

Every morning you wake up, there is a strange person in your house walking about drugged and asking where they are. They have all been for a drink with your flatmate.

When it comes to the time to share the bills, this flatmate never has any money because they have spent all their cash on the mummified remains of animals.

You go into their room when they are not there, to borrow some Tipex, and they have covered the whole room with tinfoil. There are pictures of UFOS on the walls and scrawled in what looks like blood is the message ‘they are here.’

When you first meet them, they introduce you to their parole officer. She would very nice and tells you that ‘Jimmy is a nice lad really, even although he murdered those two men and cut up their bodies and hid them in his garden.’ You were about to ask about those two freshly dug piles of dirt you saw this morning.

They leave all the doors open in the house because they do not like to be ‘hemmed in.’ And they hate locks because they remind them of prison, apparently.

Their last flatmate did a mysterious moonlight flit, although all of their stuff seems to have been left behind, including their passport and credit cards and Steiff teddy bear.

When they buy food, they label it ‘unfit for human consumption’ so you will not steal it. But, they keep on eating all of yours.

They make you some tea and say ‘it should be okay, the milk only had some flies floating on top.’

They seem to know rather a lot about poisons and ways to kill small mammals and cats.

They leave used condoms hanging from the radiators as trophies. When you tell them it is unhygienic, they laugh like a crazy person and insist ‘They are works of art.’

You go make yourself an omelette only to discover something nasty in the frying pan. It looks and smells like human excrement.

They have spray painted a message on the outside of their bedroom door. It reads ‘ENTER AND YOU DIE.’ It is done in red paint.

They have stopped using the bathroom and now use a commode in their room. The flies are now buzzing round their door.

Whenever you have friends over, they put on a Viking helmet and snarls at them until they leave. Any attempt to engage them in conversation is greeted with caveman style grunts.

He has taken to doing any cooking in the nude. The song Swing Low Sweet Chariot has taken on a new meaning.

She has a vast collection of evil looking dolls that she insists on displaying in the lounge. You swear that their eyes aren’t made of glass: they are real. They seem to watch you as you walk around the room.

They gleefully tell you that anyone who gets on their bad side gets the voodoo doll treatment. They demonstrate by extracting a strand of someone’s hair from an envelope and attaching it to a doll that they stick pins in. Somewhere in the house, you hear your other flatmate scream.

All the knives have gone missing from the kitchen. When you ask your flatmate about it, they tell you they ‘want to keep them safe.’ You are now locking your door at night and sleeping with a baseball bat under your pillow.

Your flatmate is obsessed with serial killers and will not stop talking about them. When he does he gets this glazed look and confused asks you if you are his ‘mummy.’

Their mum phones you up and warns you to leave the house right away because they do not want you to end up in a straitjacket like the last person who shared with their daughter/son. They had a nervous breakdown and had to be sectioned.

You catch them eating dead flies off the windowsill. They claim the flies are ‘nutritious.’ Then they ask you if you can hear the voices.

Every time they get drunk, they come home and mistake the hallway for a toilet. They never clean up the pee or the puke or say sorry.

You come home to find them rifling through your stuff. They are wearing your underwear at the time and chanting something.

You discover that they have been using the dish brush that you use to clean dishes on the toilet. Unknown to you, they have been doing this for weeks. Guess that explains the bad case of food poisoning you had last week.

You wake up with a feeling of unease to discover your flatmate has been watching you sleep. This is not the first time this has happened. Your flatmate does not understand why you are angry or upset.

They keep leaving you threatening post it notes round the house and then denying it was them. The last one read, ‘one day until you die.’ You are now sleeping with your eyes wide open.

When the evil guys die in movies and TV shows they start crying and saying, ‘it is unfair he is dead, he was just misunderstood.’

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About the author

Adam Sinicki
Adam Sinicki

Adam Sinicki is a full time writer who spends most of his time in the coffee shops of London. Adam has a BSc in psychology and is an amateur bodybuilder with a couple of competition wins to his name. His other interests are self improvement, general health, transhumanism and brain training. As well as writing for websites and magazines, he also runs his own sites and has published several books and apps on these topics.

Follow Adam on Linkedin: adam-sinicki, twitter: thebioneer, facebook: adam.sinicki and youtube: treehousefrog

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Adam Sinicki By Adam Sinicki

Adam Sinicki

Adam Sinicki

Adam Sinicki is a full time writer who spends most of his time in the coffee shops of London. Adam has a BSc in psychology and is an amateur bodybuilder with a couple of competition wins to his name. His other interests are self improvement, general health, transhumanism and brain training. As well as writing for websites and magazines, he also runs his own sites and has published several books and apps on these topics.

Follow Adam on Linkedin: adam-sinicki, twitter: thebioneer, facebook: adam.sinicki and youtube: treehousefrog