Getting along with a partner – particularly a spouse – is something that sounds like it should be simple and easy bliss, but that is in fact often quite the opposite. When you live with someone and make a life with someone, suddenly even your most private thoughts and emotions start to effect the other person and your whole way of life needs to be congruent with another entirely different one. Little habits can become major annoyances for both of you and you can both feel as though you’re not getting what you should be out of the relationship. After a while it can seem like you’ve been at each others’ necks for so long that you forget how it used to be or how it’s meant to be – you forget that you once got along so well that you were willing to make the ultimate commitment to each other and join yourselves in matrimony.
It takes two to tango, but someone needs to get the ball rolling and take the first step towards making things better. If you’re reading this article then there’s a good chance that you’re willing to make that step and to make those changes. Here we’ll look at how you can do just that and start getting on better with your husband.
Note: When you read many of the below suggestions you may be prone to thinking ‘why should I’ if a lot of your problems seem to be coming from your husband’s side. However it’s precisely this attitude that will stop either of you from making any progress in your relationship. Hopefully if you take these first crucial steps and show wiling, then your husband will hopefully start to take steps to meet you halfway.
Don’t Be Unreasonable
If you’re completely honest with yourself then you’ll admit that sometimes you can be unreasonable. In other words you might well sometimes be upset by something your husband says and angry with him even though it’s not his fault – for instance if he tells you he’s going to have to go away with work for a few weeks. You know it’s unreasonable to expect him to quit and that he can’t avoid it, but in many cases it doesn’t stop you from being very angry at him. Likewise you might find that you are angry even because of a dream you had. You know it’s not his fault and yet you take it out on him and get annoyed when he doesn’t know why you’re acting that way. If you catch yourself doing this then – just stop.
Often when many women have a gripe with their husband that they know is unreasonable, they will react by acting coldly towards their husband without actually talking about the problem. This solves nothing and means that you have silent evenings where you’re punishing your husband for something he doesn’t understand so the much healthier and more mature approach would be just to speak your mind and let him know why you’re upset. If it’s unreasonable, admit that it’s unreasonable, and then let him try and work things out with you.
Men are essentially children. No matter the man you’re talking to, he wants to be James Bond, Tony Stark, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Optimus Prime, David Beckham, Johnny Depp and John Lennon. They’re all secretly upset that life didn’t turn out like this and they will as such make occasional bids for immortality, adventure and success – starting a band, joining an unusual club, building something bizarre in the garage, auditioning for films or building websites. It’s your job here to be supportive and to try not to crush their dreams – even if you know deep down that nothing is likely to come from them.
Don’t Nag/Learn to Let Go
In any relationship – particularly where you are married and living together – there will be hundreds of little things that annoy you. The famous one is of course leaving the toilet seat up, but others might be burping, or not doing the washing up properly, forgetting to plump up the cushions, or talking to friends on the phone too long when you’re meant to be spending the night together.
However rest assured that however annoying they seem at the time, they are actually very petty in the grand scheme of things and when you look back on your relationship you likely won’t even remember why you were so annoyed. So don’t obsess over them and learn to let go. There’s no point causing serious arguments over them, or grinding your husband down.
Doing nice things for your husband might seem obvious but when we live together we can often forget to. Doing something nice for your husband is a great way to show you care, to get them feeling loved (and indebted) and to make up for things that have gone wrong. Nice things or favours can mean anything from cooking a favourite meal of theirs, to giving them a massage after a long day, to picking up their favourite magazine from the shop, to surprising them with some sexy lingerie and a night of ‘anything they want’ in the bedroom.
These are the things you can do to start being an easier wife to live with and to start getting better with your husband as a result. However at the same time, there are also some changes you can make to your general way of living if you want to make it more conducive to a happy marriage. Here are some strategies you can use that can help to prevent many of the arguments that normally occur as a result of being married.
Separate Your Finances
So many arguments are caused by money that in some cases it would be easier to eliminate the problem altogether by not having a shared account. Instead have one account that you pay into for your bills to come out of (pay the same amount each in by direct debit and pay a bit extra each so that there is a back up pool). Then when you buy things you can each use your own account and you won’t need anyone’s permission or feel guilty.
Of course this might be more complicated if only one of you works, but in this situation it is possible to agree an amount for each of you to get – for instance splitting your income 50/50 or 60/40 etc and this way you can still have independence.
Spend Some Time Apart
While spending all of your time with your partner might sound romantic, it is in fact a very easy way to instead drain any last vestiges of romance out of your relationship as you both end up with nothing left to say or tired of each others’ company. It’s important then to keep your relationship fresh by doing things with other people and pursuing your own hobbies and interests – this will then give you something to talk about when you return home and will mean you have some time to miss each other too.
Spend Some Quality Time Together
At the same time you need to keep your relationship fresh by doing new things together and experiencing new places. It’s important not to just spend all your time vegetating in front of the television as again it will mean you have nothing to talk about and will mean you only see that one side of each other. When you sit in it’s easy to let your appearance go to scratch and to ‘slob out’ in your jumpers and t-shirts. By arranging to go to a posh restaurant however for instance, you both are forced to get dressed up and to look sexy and to try different foods and drinks that can tantalise the senses. At the same time this will give you new memories to share and to discuss in the future.