Have you ever had a ‘friend’ who follows you around everywhere, calls you all the time, and turns up at your house unannounced? These thick-skinned friends just don’t get the hint when you tell them you have to wash your hair again and don’t realise that buying all the same t-shirts as you is creepy and annoying rather than ‘fun’ or flattering.
Well don’t be too harsh; as it turns out you are that friend. At least as far as your cat is concerned…
And cats meanwhile are… well pretty much evil. According to several studies that demonstrate their abundant resentment, cynicism and malice…
This is the terrifying psychology of cats…
Cats Ignore You
Here’s the first piece of evidence that your cat doesn’t like you and really couldn’t care if they ever saw you again.
According to a recent study, cats can understand their own names. Tiny muscular twitches in their ears demonstrate that they can pick out their names as well as their owners’ voices against background noise, but more often than not they simply choose to ignore it. Unless they also hear the tin opener.
Cats Are Users
A quote from the same study said ‘The behavioural aspects of cats that cause their owners to become attached to them are still undetermined’.
In other words, what the researchers are saying is that they can’t understand why people still go so gaga for their cats when those cats can’t even be bothered to look at them when they’re talking.
What science does know however is that humans find certain things ‘cute’ by nature, which include large eyes, purring noises and shows of affection. While cats were popular pets in Ancient Egypt, it appears that the domestication possibly goes back much further to Cyprus 12,000 years ago.
But according to Carlos Driscoll, one of researcher who helped deduce this statistic, it wasn’t so much a case of us choosing cats as pets as much as the cats domesticating ‘themselves’ in order to take advantage of our abundant resources. From there the cats then evolved the traits that would fool us into letting them stay – like those big eyes and the purring.
Some people describe our relationship with cats as ‘symbiotic’, but seeing as few of us now keep cats for pest control, the reality is far more ‘parasitic’. And if you needed any more proof that cats are just exploiting us – then consider that some of the noises they make are ‘designed’ to be the precise same frequency as a baby crying.
Next we’ll learn that all their stupid YouTube antics are just a ruse as well…
Cats Use Biological Warfare
Okay not quite, but speaking of parasites – did you know that cat faeces contain a parasite called ‘toxoplasma gondii’? This is a parasite that affects the human brain, and that lives in more than 60 million adult brains in the US alone.
This parasite is largely harmless, but in rare cases it has been shown to contribute to brain disorders.
But cats didn’t do this on purpose, right? That doesn’t prove they’re evil, right? Well actually the parasites are useful to the cats because they trick rats (by affecting their brains) into believing they like the smell of cat urine.
So cats are literally brain washing rats… Do you really trust them in your home now?
Cats Believe They Own You
You may believe that you own your cat, but actually it turns out they own you. That’s precisely what they’re actually saying when they rub their heads against our legs – they’re transferring their scents onto us in order to mark their possessions.
Cats Think You Stink
So cats like to rub their scent onto you in order to demonstrate that you belong to them. But if that wasn’t insulting enough on its own, it turns out they’re also hypocrites. That’s because they hate the smell of human on them – which is why they will groom themselves a lot after you stroke them.
In fact one study even suggests that cats don’t like being stroked at all, but rather just tolerate it as part of their manipulation game. One study looked at cat faeces and found that cats who were stroked more often also had more stress hormones in their soil. This is because cats are actually not very social creatures – no kidding. The finding has been disputed of course, but it does explain why many cats seem to avoid being touched at all. Best practice for now is to carry on stroking your cat, but to make sure you give it plenty of space when it’s eating or sleeping. And also remember: they aren’t having a good time.
So cats started eating our food one day and then just manipulated us to let them stay. They eat our food, carry parasites, poo in our homes and avoid spending time with us whenever possible.
On the other hand, we actually brought dogs into our homes because they already had evolved traits such as friendliness and affection due to their pack nature. The brain of a dog is that of a wolf cub – with all of the sociability, loyalty and obedience of a pack animal and all of the harmlessness, enthusiasm and joy of a cub.
But dogs are also idiots. And that’s why the cat is the number one pet in the US. Soon they will overthrow us entirely, mark my words… 🙂